I've come to realise that I have a rather impressive collection of things that irritate me.
Some are perfectly reasonable. Others are so ridiculously specific that I appreciate I probably need to get a grip. But I'm in my thirties now, and rather than developing a more relaxed attitude towards the world, I seem to be collecting new grievances like they're loyalty points.
And before anyone suggests I'm just a miserable cow, I'm actually a very happy person. I just have some questions about the way certain people choose to conduct themselves.
So, here are a few things I have absolutely no business having such strong opinions about.
Supermarket Aisles Are Not Social Venues
Why do people insist on stopping in the middle of a supermarket aisle to have a full-blown catch-up?
I appreciate you haven't seen Sandra since 2019, and I'm thrilled that her youngest has started secondary school, but some of us are trying to get to the pasta.
And it's never just two people having a quick conversation, is it? There are trolleys involved. Sometimes three generations of the same family. A complete blockade.
MOVE.
While we're discussing public spaces, can we also address slow walkers? Particularly those who somehow manage to occupy the entire pavement while travelling at approximately half a mile per hour.
I'm not asking everyone to power-walk everywhere. I just want to get past you without having to step into oncoming traffic.
Personal Space Is Not a Suggestion
There is absolutely no reason for a stranger to stand so close to me in a queue that we're practically sharing a postcode.
If I can feel you breathing down my neck, you're too close.
Moving closer to me will not make the queue move faster. It will, however, make me increasingly irritated.
And while we're discussing basic manners, can we talk about drivers who don't acknowledge you when you've let them through?
I've stopped my car, given you right of way and patiently waited while you drive past. Would a little wave of acknowledgement really be too much to ask?
I'm not expecting a handwritten thank-you card. A raised finger from the steering wheel will suffice.
But absolutely nothing? Not even a nod?
You're welcome, YOUR MAJESTY.
The General Public Needs to Turn the Volume Down
I love going out for dinner. What I don't love is having to listen to somebody three tables away laughing like they're auditioning for a pantomime.
There's having a good time, and then there's making sure everybody within a 40-metre radius knows you're having a good time.
The same applies to people watching TikToks on full volume in public.
Headphones exist. They've existed for quite some time. This is not new technology.
I don't need to hear the same 12-second audio clip seventeen times while you're scrolling through your For You Page.
And repetitive noises in general? Absolutely not. Once I've noticed a sound, my brain apparently decides to give it its undivided attention until either the noise stops or I leave the building.
Someone repeatedly tapping a pen, for example, could genuinely send me over the edge.
Some Things Shouldn't Happen While People Are Eating
Here's one that might be slightly unreasonable.
I cannot stand watching people eat while standing up.
I don't know why. It just feels lazy to me. Which makes absolutely no sense, because sitting down arguably requires less effort.
I understand the contradiction. I have no intention of resolving it.
Another thing: please don't blow your nose anywhere near me while I'm eating.
I know noses need blowing. I'm aware this is a perfectly normal bodily function. I simply don't want to be involved in it while I'm halfway through my dinner.
And burping at the table?
No. Absolutely not. Take your digestive announcements elsewhere.
While we're here, don't eat my food.
I ordered what I wanted. You ordered what you wanted. Why are you now helping yourself to mine?
If you wanted chips, you should have ordered chips. This is not a communal buffet.
I'm Not Financing Your Lobster
I have absolutely no problem splitting a restaurant bill equally when everyone's had roughly the same amount.
But if you've ordered lobster, steak and six cocktails while I've had a sandwich and a Diet Coke, we're not dividing the total by two.
I'm your friend, not your financial sponsor.
And somehow, it's always the person who's ordered the most who cheerfully suggests, "Shall we just split it?"
What a fabulous idea. For you.
Words Mean Things, People
I appreciate that nobody's perfect, and autocorrect has a lot to answer for, but some grammatical mistakes really do make my eye twitch.
Your and you're. Their, there and they're.
And don't even get me started on "could of".
But my absolute favourite has to be people saying "pacifically" when they mean "specifically".
It's not an ocean, hun.
I'm not expecting everyone to speak like they've swallowed a dictionary. I just think we should collectively agree that the Pacific Ocean has no business appearing in a conversation about something specific.
Lateness Is Not a Personality Trait
I'm not talking about genuinely unavoidable circumstances. Traffic happens. Trains get cancelled. Life gets in the way.
I'm talking about people who are consistently late and seem to think it's an adorable little personality quirk.
It isn't.
If we've agreed to meet at seven, I don't want to receive a message at 7:05 saying you're just getting in the shower.
My time is valuable too, thank you very much.
And now I'm standing around looking like someone who's been stood up, which is not the evening I had planned.
Why Is Everything Life-Changing?
Can we have a little chat about influencers?
Specifically, why every single product, purchase and minor lifestyle decision is apparently LIFE-CHANGING.
A new moisturiser? Life-changing.
A water bottle? Life-changing.
A slightly different way of organising your sock drawer? Your life will NEVER be the same.
At this point, I'm genuinely concerned about how some of these people were functioning beforehand.
Not everything needs to be revolutionary. Sometimes a moisturiser is just quite good.
And that's okay.
A Few Honourable Mentions
There are a handful of other things that deserve recognition, although I'm conscious this is rapidly becoming a formal complaint against society.
People who don't pick up after their dogs. I regularly look after our family dog, Winnie, and I cannot understand this. If you're taking a dog out for a walk, picking up after them is part of the deal. It's disgusting to leave it for somebody else to deal with. And before anyone says they didn't see it happen, I'm not buying it.
People who leave cupboard doors open. Why? You opened it. You got what you needed. Was closing it simply a step too far?
And children.
Look, I appreciate they're part of society. I understand they have every right to exist in public spaces. I just wish some of them would exercise that right a little more quietly.
Particularly in restaurants. I'm trying to enjoy my dinner, not experience the acoustics of a primary school playground.
And before anyone comes for me, I know children make noise. I'm not expecting complete silence. But there's a difference between a child being a child and a child treating the entire restaurant like their personal soft play while their parents enjoy a leisurely glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
I should also clarify that I absolutely adore my nephews. They're wonderful, and naturally, none of this applies to them.
Is that hypocritical? Probably. But they're my nephews, and I make the rules.
Anyway. Moving swiftly on before I become the subject of a Mumsnet thread.
Before Anyone Calls Me a Hypocrite...
I should probably acknowledge that I'm not entirely innocent when it comes to irritating habits.
For starters, I'm absolutely the person who sends a cheerful "Hi, how are you?" on Teams before getting to the actual point.
In my defence, I do immediately start typing my question. Unfortunately, the question occasionally takes me 15 minutes to compose.
So from the recipient's perspective, I've essentially knocked on their virtual door, asked how they're doing and then stood silently in the doorway for a quarter of an hour.
I'm also a serial voice-note sender.
And I don't mean a quick 30-second update. I mean a full-length audio production, complete with tangents, unnecessary background information and occasionally a conclusion that bears very little resemblance to the original subject.
I've even been known to end my voice notes with "Thank you for listening to my podcast."
My friend Danny has named the series Meet the Burys.
Nobody has requested an episode. There's no subscription service. No regular release schedule. Just me, talking at length, whenever I feel the need.
So yes, I fully appreciate that there are people out there who probably find me every bit as irritating as I find someone having a family reunion in the middle of Tesco.
But this is my blog, and we're discussing everyone else's shortcomings today, thank you very much.
In Conclusion, I'm Probably the Problem
Look, I'm fully aware that most of these things are incredibly minor.
The world isn't going to end because somebody says "pacifically", leaves a cupboard open or watches a TikTok without headphones.
Although, admittedly, it might feel like it for a moment.
I don't expect everyone to live according to my very specific set of entirely unofficial rules. That would be ridiculous.
Convenient, but ridiculous.
And despite everything I've just written, I promise I'm actually quite pleasant company.
Just arrive on time, respect my personal space, don't touch my chips and, for the love of everything, let me get to the pasta aisle.
We'll get along beautifully.
Molly
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